My mind rambled around quite a bit while I was journaling this morning. This is what I wrote:
Over the last month, much has happened. Since the fire, day to day life has returned to a normal rhythm of stresses, struggles, joys, and peace. What I find interesting is that this morning, in this moment, I can't recall the stresses and struggles. All I can recall are the moments of joy and peace found when Josh and Rebekka came to visit, funny things occurred, and when I'm praying in the morning. Specifics of the stresses have been blurred and forgotten by the joys and God's peace.
I've found this to be a great solace to me all my life. I've walked through the fires of trouble, endured trials, and sometimes the only peace I found were moments with Jesus. I don't hold the details of the bad times close or even recall them very often unless someone brings them up to me. What I do hold close and recall are those moments of peace with Jesus. Every time I cried out to Him, when my heart was breaking and all seemed hopeless, He was there. He always came just when I needed Him most. He didn't immediately remove the source of my pain or stress. He did provide clarity, insight, peace and His love. Over and over again I heard Him say, "It's going to be ok. I've got you in my arms and I love you. This time and pain will pass. I love you. I love you. With Me, you will make it through." Of course He was right. The days of intense trials and pain passed. New struggles and pains took their place along the way and will always come along. I don't worry about those any more because I know whatever comes along, I am never alone.
Just as periods of stress and pain pass through my days, so do periods and moments of wonder, joy, gratitude and laughter. Frankly, the good days and joy far outweigh the bad. I find myself laughing and smiling often, even on so called bad days. I love it when that happens!
As I write this, one of those moments of laughter comes to mind and makes me laugh all over again so I will share it. It occurred almost exactly seven years ago. Daddy became very sick with pneumonia and it was also very evident that he had Alzheimer's. After a period of very real worry and trouble, we had finally managed to get Daddy into the hospital (he didn't want to go), where his pneumonia was treated. While there we learned he had an area of lung cancer and his dementia was diagnosed. When he became better physically, we had to decide what to do next. We knew we couldn't take care of him at home so we found a good nursing home for him and moved him there around the first of August. It broke my heart to do this. We had promised Mother we would never put Daddy in a nursing home and yet, here we were.
Daddy had been in the home for two days and in the evening of the second day, I received a call from the nursing home that went like this. "Mrs. Lane? This is _____ from ______. I needed to let you know that Mr. Wood attempted to leave tonight. Now, don't worry! He's fine. We caught him before he got too far! He actually was very clever. He grabbed someone's hat from the lobby as though he had been visiting someone and headed for the front door. One of his nurses recognized him and asked him where he was going. 'Oh, my name is...er, Mr. Brown! Yes, Mr. Brown. I was visiting someone and now I'm leaving. See you later! Have a nice day!' Then he laughed and started through the door, but came back with the nurse when she caught him, saying, 'Well, it was worth a try! What part gave me away? I bet it was the name. What
is my name anyway? I like the name Mr. Brown, don't you?' He went right to bed and is asleep now. I just wanted to let you know what happened."
When I got off the phone and told all this to the boys and Alan, we were suddenly struck by the humor of this. We laughed until we cried. We laughed at his craftiness. We cried for him and the sad situation he and all of us were in at the time. The time of Daddy's last year and a half included many moments of pain, tears, and laughter. To this day I recall the laughter far more than the tears. What a blessing!
We all have days of stress, pain, joy and laughter. My advice is to let the moments of joy and laughter blur the edges and memories of the stress and pain. Don't hold the pain too long or too close for it will embitter and harden you. Hold close to your heart the laughter, joy and peace. Your load will be lightened and you will find peace. I guarantee it.
